When I was younger, I was hardcore about WWF pro wrestling. This was back when it was still the WWF (not WWE) and was full of bizarre, goofy characters, jobbers, and mostly clean entertainment. Unfortunately now pro wrestling has moved to a mockery of its past self where it's ok to swill beer in front of kids, beat up women, cuss frequently, and show blatant disregard for anything moral or ethical...but I digress. I used to love the wrestlers like Hulk Hogan (my all-time fav!), Kamala, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, Koko B Ware, and others. Like many things, you can always find life lessons in good ol WWF rasslin':
1. No Matter Your Life Skills, You Always Fit In
This is probably what I loved the most about WWF: they made a wrestler out of anything and anyone. Remember Duke "The Dumpster" Droese? The dude was a garbage man...A GARBAGE MAN! They had The Repo Man...who was, well, a repo man. And probably the weirdest: Akeem the African Dream. Akeem was whiter than a cloud and he swore he was from "Deep, Dark Africa"...wherever that is. He was hilarious. I'm willing to bet if you had a Master's Degree in Paleo-botany and loved building Lego skyscrapers, you could've rolled up into the WWF headquarters in like 1988 and they would've given you a job.
2. Your First Few Days on the Job are a Cakewalk
Whenever a new wrestler debuted, they always put him up against what's called a Jobber. A Jobber is a no-name dude, who pretty much gets paid to have the snot beat outta him. 99.9999999% of the time the Superstar would win...occasionally they'd have a Jobber step up and beat the new guy and it'd be hilarious...and embarrassing for the new dude. By far, the best Jobber in the history of wrestling was the Brooklyn Brawler. He always wore these ratty, tore up Yankees shirts to the ring, looked like he never shaved, and I'm almost sure he smelled like a mixture of B.O. and hot garbage. Something about him was awesome, though...and heck, he was a Yankee fan so he was ok in my book....but man he was a lousy wrestler! So if you're the new guy in the WWF, you'll get matched up against the Brooklyn Brawler, stomp him into the ground a few times, then eventually move into stardom. Oh how I wish the normal working world was like that...
3. The Ultimate Warrior is INSANE
Just see for yourself:
4. You Settle Your Differences in the STEEL CAGE!!!
Back in the day when wrestlers had serious beef with each other they settled it in a Steel Cage Match. These matches were brutal and you could only win by climbing over the top of the cage and to the floor outside. In wrestling nowadays they have like 2 steel cage matches a week or something like that...if you scuffed a dude's Pumas, then to the steel cage with ya! But in old-school WWF, the Steel Cage Matches were super-special and only reserved for pay-per-view events. It'd be kinda cool if you can settle major disagreements in a steel cage match...like in Civil Court or something: if you're suing this one guy for keying up your car, you can settle the score in a steel cage. Two suplexes, a body slam, maybe an elbow drop off the top rope and you're well on your way to climbing out!
5. Forget Job Promotions: Winning the Royal Rumble is Where It's At!
The Royal Rumble was always one of my favorite pay-per-view events...it was basically a 30-man battle which started with 2 men and a wrestler would join the fray every minute or so...their order was chosen at random. The only way to eliminate another guy was to toss him over the top rope and both feet hit the ground. How dope is that? I loved the Royal Rumble because it was long and crazy and there was always one or two enormously FAT wrestlers who would get in there and it would take like 15 guys to throw them over the top rope...it was always hilarious, and I promise you to this day they still do the same thing. At least, I hope they still do the same thing. If you won the Royal Rumble usually you'd get a shot at the WWF Championship. The working would would be awesome if you could have an over-the-top battle royal to get a job promotion...my job would be mighty interesting!
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